Had a patient pass this morning, someone I've taken care of on and off for almost a year through chemo. His wife hugged me and cried and I just stood there and patted her back and thought about how many charts I still had to finish.
Two years ago I would have gone to my car and sobbed. Today I just felt tired. I don't know if that's me protecting myself or if something in me is broken. Is this what happens to everyone in oncology eventually, or is it a sign I need to get out?
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Post replyHonestly the part that gets me is the charts. You lose someone you cared for for a year and the system's only response is that you still have documentation due by 1900. No debrief, no five minutes. Of course we go numb. We aren't given room to do anything else.
Is it just at work, or are you flat at home too? Not enjoying things you used to, sleeping weird? That's what made me realize mine was more than compassion fatigue.
Eight years in onc. I had a patient I'd known for over a year, and when she passed I felt nothing and went to lunch. Three weeks later I was sobbing in a Target parking lot and couldn't tell you why. That's when I finally used our EAP. It didn't fix everything, but it helped me figure out the difference between protecting myself and shutting down.
I don't think numb in the moment means broken. Sometimes your brain just won't let you fall apart when there are still four other patients who need you. For me it usually caught up days later, on my couch, over something stupid like a commercial.
Been there. The tired feeling scared me more than the crying ever did.